To be or not to be

a mom

I’ve reached the ripe old age of 38, closer to 39 in fact, and oh my gosh, I never truly imagined reaching 38… 39… 40… childless. Children-free.

What I am about to write, I know other women feel or have felt, but this is my vulnerability in black and white. I want to process what I’m experiencing through writing.

To be or not to be a mom.

In Turkey last year, one of my colleagues, a year younger than me, opened up about her journey. A career woman, a dog mom with a life partner who has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship, she, like me, is contemplating life without children of her own. How would life unfold without the role of motherhood taking the reins?

Equally, I wonder what it would be like to have a child…children…

As I sit here, I cannot imagine NOT having children. But at the same time, I cannot envision HAVING any. Taking care of friends’ little ones is so much fun, and when they are really little, I feel that broody instinct, yet I am equally exhausted.

For years, as women, we often say, “One day… I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.”

But what is this bridge? It’s meeting the man you can see becoming the father of your children. I’ve met him! Yet, it’s been less than a year, and there’s no baby-making in sight. We have our own relationship to form and nurture—our own adventures to embark on for a few more years.

However, he’s 50. And I’m approaching my sell-by date.

It’s the fucking body clock that I’m resenting, and it’s making me panic.

To freeze or not to freeze my eggs? How much of this is biology and science, and how much is about trusting the divine plan of the Universe? Do they run parallel, or exist separately?

Have I missed the boat on motherhood? Will I never experience what it feels like to carry a baby, to deliver, to breastfeed, to mother?

On one hand, I feel I’d be an amazing mom—when they are little and under my control. But as they grow into teenagers, I fear letting go. I worry for their safety in this damaged world, filled with so many “sick and twisted” individuals.

I say, “I don’t want a baby; I want 1000 babies.” But I don’t want teens; I want them to stay little.

I often joke that I’d microchip them to locate them at all times. They say it’s unethical. I say I don’t give a shit!

This internal turmoil has surfaced now because I have met someone, and at this age, I know that despite the love I feel for him, the desire to be pregnant is purely biological. My late 38-year-old reproductive system is set to urgent, and it’s frightening.

Recently, I spoke to an English language student, who has also become a friend. She’s studying psychology and has a knack for cracking me open. We’ve discussed the topic of having kids. She cannot conceive and, along with her husband, has endured a long journey.

She sees me, my age, and asks me a pointed question: “But do you want children, D***?”

For a while, I told myself it’s selfish to bring more children into this overpopulated world, and I do feel that way. But can I be fulfilled without them? What does later life look like without kids?

And my boyfriend, who has two children—a teenage girl and a young “whoopsy” boy on another continent—makes me realise that my world needs more than just him, his kids, and my fur babies.

We spoke about egg freezing this year—it’s become a safety net, a “just in case.” Yet, I still deeply want to trust the timing of my life.

My student friend advises,

“I just don’t want you to have the regrets I do.”

How do I sit in this place in my life?

Motherhood isn’t just about biology. It’s about nurturing, about loving, about leaving a mark beyond myself. Whatever form that takes— mothering the world is a legacy I build in other ways— and I do live that way fully.

So, to be or not to be a mom? Perhaps the real question is: how do I create a life so rich in meaning that, no matter the outcome, I will never feel I missed ou

Maybe the real question isn’t to be or not to be a mom—maybe it’s

who do I want to be,

with or without?

Because no matter what happens—whether it happens one day, or whether I shape my life in a different way-

I am co-creating with the Universe

a life so rich in meaning that, no matter the outcome,

I will never feel I missed out.