Day 4: daydreams & reflections

I was strong but quite fatigued in this mornings yoga. I woke up before the sun, brushed my teeth outside, as the Indians do. Did my nasal cleansing, and had 2 cups of ginger and basil chai. I sweated bullets in class and fell into a very short but deep sleep/relaxation when I got into resting child’s pose toward the end of the class. Boat pose, in Hatha yoga, works with holding ones breath. So rather than holding the pose for as long as your abs can take it, you hold it for as long as you can hold your breath, which is only about 10 seconds for me, then collapse.

We did some pranayama training today. And the breathing technique, post yoga, took me into the intense relaxed state where I could have sat for a good while longer when everyone started to pack up. I need to remember how powerful the breath is. I need to remember how breathing as well as clean eating effects the mind. And how crucial it is to navigate life with the best possible advantage, clarity of thought,

Yogesh said eating and breathing right gives fresh energy to the body. I’m not happy to be smoking but I’ve cut down to 2 light menthol slims a day. After brunch and after dinner. It’s not ideal. But it’s okay.

I suppose I shouldn’t have been daydreaming, but in my shivasana I had this wonderful visualisation come into my consciousness. It was me letting go of the desire to find a man to have children with; and then three babies appeared. They didn’t have faces and I hadn’t named them yet, but they were triplets and they were mine. Two boys and a girl. The combination I always intuitively have known I’ll have, or dream of having.

I’m not against adoption in my waking life, in fact I think ‘why bring more children into the world when there are children out there who need a mommy and daddy?’ But that’s the thing right there, I’ve always said I’ll never have kids for selfish reasons. I’d never have a baby alone – as in, consciously not giving my baby a father. Instead, I feel that my first role as a mother is choosing that man correctly. When I see men these days I see potential fathers to my children. And if they don’t cut it on that level then it’s not attractive to me. (I also see genetics. Shh… don’t tell) So, how could I bring triplets into my world alone?  It goes against a lot that I want for the little ones. But in any case, it was a beautiful fantasy.

I guess if I reach 34 with no potential man to have children with in my life, adoption, as a single mom could be an option. But nah, my soul still resists, knowing I want my kids to have a dad. A wonderful dad. Who I love to death and who loves me back even more.

Are you listening, Universe? You know this. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. 


Reflection:

While listening to Yogesh talking about human consciousness my mind is carried away with regrets… I wish I had had a stronger sense of being and ‘self’ when I was faced with what I was faced with in London last month. I wish I had had a deeper connection with the greater consciousness, a knowing: That everything is unfolding as it should. Maybe the lesson here is the contrast between where I was then and where I am now and where I want to be as an individual, my natural responses.

He was horrible to me – there’s no denying it but I should have confronted that in a calm, centred way.

I should have left him before he had the chance to walk out on me.

Rather, the unkindness threw me into a nervous state, a downward spiral. It threw me off balance. I grabbed onto whatever was in my grasp. And I bloody-well held on.

I have a lot to learn. And who I share my time and heart with needs to bring the best out in me. And if they don’t, I need to get better at handling that without fear of loss.

I want to bring out the best in others too. I already strive for that, but it’s learning to deal with what others AREN’T in relation to me.

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