Day 5 : Is this progress?

Today wasn’t a strong day emotionally. Physically I’m getting stronger by the day but I’m disappointed in my emotional state. 
On my yoga matt (the magic carpet that I have here at Pushkar yoga garden) I surrender and work and achieve. I feel progress daily. I see progress morning and evening. When I put my focus and efforts into my practice, all other things start to fall away (which doesn’t happen much with me). If they don’t, I think it comes down to the fact that I’m not pushing hard enough… But I may later eat my words as I know how the mind can weaken the body considerably… But maybe my mental progress is that I can be lost in yoga, for an hour now, not just minutes at a time. 

I had a bit of a cry today. I vomited too. An emotional release that’s apparently like a cleanse (if you drink copious amounts of salt water first thing in the morning on an empty stomach and throw it up, not just losing your lunch like I did!) I’ll have another bit of a cry later, maybe an emotional spew too. I’m having a bit of a cry now. I just wish there was a magic spell that could dissolve the negative energy in my being. The heaviness. It’s fucking REAL, and it’s NOT FUCKING ZEN. 

How do I feel completely renewed and refreshed? Can I strain my being through a sieve to separate the pure from the lumpy, rough impurities? There must be some kind of crazy hypnotism and brainwashing that can clear it all out so I can start again fresh. Taking off my aura, rinsing and ringing it out like I did with my dirty, musty towel a few days ago. I just still feel like I’m carrying pain and hurt and loss from the past and burdens of fear of the future. 

This isn’t very yogic of me, like I said, today my emotions are shot. Om shanti, shanti shanti. Peace peace peace. However, my attempt at meditation was a little better than the last (you’re actually not supposed to judge or rate your meditation, you’re supposed to just let it be what it is) – I’ll just say one thing: I can say that I have touched a tiny moment of ‘in the moment peace’ and so I know I have something to work with.

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