a balancing act

I’m trying to keep my balance after coming back home, avoiding old routines, bettering my days & rearranging my world in a more peaceful & light way.

Tomorrow I’m starting the 1 week Happiness Programme at The Art of Living. I’m not sure what it entails
but for the evenings of this week and this weekend there will be expansion of the soul and
awareness, that makes me feel good and fuzzy.
I’ll admit I’m turning into abit of an awareness junky. I’ve never been into small talk ~ but more so now than ever I want to have conversations that matter: the meaning of life, death, hopes, fears, questions, what keeps you up at night, what do you daydream about, what do you believe in, music that makes you feel stuff, memories. More questions – with people who are also reaching higher and deeper. So much around me seems so superficial & I’m retreating from it – finding it harder and harder to be human, at home on this planet.
I wish I knew what was going on on a cosmic level. Yeah, some moments I feel untouchable. Unfuckwithable. And some moments I’m just aching inside and I don’t know what for… it’s like being homesick… or missing something that I don’t even know and then next moment I’m super content in just being again.
I want to do a journalism course also, which is a more serious thought, but I want to take my writing and curiosity of the world and the written word further.
There is so much I want to do and I just need to keep the faith that while I’m living my life I’ll stumble upon the kind of life-partner and love I dream about. No more duds. No more heart breakers and soul-suckers. I just can’t do these shallow connections anymore… f*ck,which means, I may not make any love-connections again!
**she trails off in a daydream ~ ~~~makes me miss my Berlin adventure 》damn I had fun! all loved up and care free 》 Was literally worry-less 90% of the time. what bliss that was 》 just happy and trusting 》 like a naive little dumb deer 》 blissfully unaware, mindlessly following~~ ~**
I need to believe that this is the path, that I’m on the right path. That I’m not isolating myself from the physical world, that this is my way forward. I guess it comes down to most of my year being consciously and subconsciously focused on a guy and “me in relation to him” – not “me in relation to me” – (that makes sense now that I put it that way)…
When travelling it’s easier to get caught up in yourself but when coming back home I guess I naturally want to have a “someone” and not having one is actually ok… and now isn’t forever… if I could comfortably (and often not even comfortably) give myself and my thoughts and actions to a guy for 6 months then why can’t I comfortably (and also uncomfortably) give that same focus and time to myself for 1 month or even 2. Why am I afraid it will become an ALWAYS? I need to stop projecting fear and not finding and replace it with courage and belief in receiving what I need when I’m ready. This is the path.

4 thoughts on “a balancing act

  1. “I wish I knew what was going on on a cosmic level. Yeah, some moments I feel untouchable. Unfuckwithable. And some moments I’m just aching inside and I don’t know what for…”
    Firstly, I love the term “unfuckwithable”. It’s that sense of invincibility that can’t be anything but permanent. Until it’s not. Also you triggered a thought with your reference to the cosmos. Could more contextual knowledge lead to more mental and emotional security? I used the think absolutely yes. But now I’m not so sure.

      1. Are you familiar with the “hard problem” of consciousness? It’s the idea that no amount of understanding the brain (and the chemical and physical processes at work inside it) explains why there is a subjective experience of this organ at work.
        Maybe the same applies to the cosmos. We can unveil more and more about the picture, without ever knowing how and why it was drawn

        1. haven’t heard of it, but I think that’s the magic of breathing and meditation. Raising the consciousness, gaining peace in those moments of heightened awareness, where without concrete answers, life makes sense.

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