“Tell me about the times you have played the fool, risking it all to follow the flame of desire. I can ask and listen without judgement, for I too have been the fool.”
I’m beginning to realize it’s just who I am,
I know people change, people grow, people should always be evolving. But some things remain, regardless of the pleasure / regardless of the pain.
I’m struggling to write this because of the continuous waves of thoughts that are crashing through my mind. I can literally see the ocean in my mind. I have so much to say… So much bubbling up…. This pushing and pulling motion… This tug-of-war between pleasure and pain…
I am the girl who gets swept up in a moment, in the anticipation of passion, when I connect with someone, in a small or big (but powerful) way. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, desire becomes me and I become desire. No matter what pain I have had, no matter what walls I’ve built up or what self preservation rules and boundaries I’ve set myself: when desire says “Jump!!” – I say “How high?”
I feel myself living in a wave. Constant motion. Peaceful yet powerful. Safe yet with a real possibility of danger. Everything at the moment is magnified. The brief moments of deep invigorating passion that roll into deep moments of debilitating disappointment, and then (and this is triggered by music and lyrics mostly) the moment when the weight on my heart is lifted and I am strong and hopeful again, with an underlying knowing that the story is unfolding as it should … in this moment I feel strangely satisfied in the whirlpool of my life.
So, I see it as a wave approaching… building building building up, crashing to shore, receding back… dragging with it a little more beach, which the next wave will replace before I can even count to 10.
The switch is what’s strangely satisfying. I never thought I would say this, but I think I am finding pleasure in the pain. Or maybe it’s just that I’m beginning to learn how to channel the negative into a positive: “Everything that kills me makes me feel alive, everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly”
in that case… LET IT RAIN !!!
“ooooh yikes, this screams manic depressive!!”
As I write this I am beginning to think this may actually be the beginning of a gradual decline into madness. You see, when this was all in my head it sounded less-like crazy talk. I’m wondering if whoever reads this will think “this chick shouldn’t be dancing in the rain, she should be dancing her way over to a mental institution” or …. not.
Maybe I am just playing the fool with my world right now. Or maybe I should just be cast as the fool in this show full time. But I can’t be cautious, I can’t stop myself from feeling/wishing/hoping that maybe THIS time, the NEXT time …. IT WILL BE REAL: and long lasting.
“I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.” – The Invitation